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Parenting Without Power Struggles by Susan Stiffelman - Do you ever find yourself asking • How can you get your children to do their homework without.. . Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and. Connected ebook android pdf. Parenting Without Power. without power struggles raising joyful resilient - parenting without power struggles pdf while most parenting programs are designed to coerce kids to change.
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Raising Joyful, Resilient Kids While Staying Cool, Calm, and Connected
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This book was worth reading, but I wouldn't recommend it to a friend. The pacing is uneven and some of the chapters should have been left out. For example, chapter 4 Creating an Unshakeable Connection was redundant and didn't add anything to what had already been written.
The order of the chapters is so random. She sets things up nicely in the first chapter, then it's wonky - some discipline chapters, then celebrate the child you've got, then your kids a genius, then how to avoid depression in kids, then the last chapters aren't good. They should have been left out. I think she should have written a book on behavior challenges and a separate book on some of the other things she's interested in.
Chapter 12 was extremely self-indulgent and out of place. She is using the New Age ideas of Eckhart Tolle to tell parents to help their kids create their best lives. Just reading that chapter really irritated me - so vacuous. It seemed like window dressing on the book and could be been left out.
In addition, the best parts were taken from the work of Gordon Neufeld without enough credit given to him. The author does credit Neufeld for the 6 stages of attachment but otherwise she used his ideas without crediting him.
This is stealing. However, a key part of his recommendation to parents is to build an attachment village for the child. Chapter 18 in his book is "Recreate the Attachment Village. The author's own ideas just didn't compare to his. Some of her suggestions were silly.
Like thinking of your thoughts as drugs page 20 - not helpful. Some stuff is corny - pp.
Of course we have to have empathy and support our children, but there are more helpful ways to frame these issues. She also underplays the impact of divorce on children. A fantastic book, full of fresh ideas for applying Neufeld's insights on a practical level. It's a home run, absolutely captivating. Her book focuses on the preschool years. I'm waiting for her to write something for parents of older kids and teens.
He's a genius. I'm a mom of 4 little boys, ages 3 to 9, and I read this looking for new tools and tricks in my parenting toolbag, and a new perspective.
I had lost my way a little in the chaos of daily logistics. This book was difficult, in that I realized I've been doing a lot of things wrong. However, I have been poring over it like it's my daily homework, underlining and simplifying and writing out a synopsis, and it's been helping me soften a lot in my approach to my children. I love that she has the Byron Katie method in here. I didn't think of applying it to parenting, but it makes total sense.
In just the couple of weeks that I've been reading this book, just implementing some of the techniques and approaches has brought me more joy with my children. I'm pretty sure that I will always let my children argue with me like a lawyer. Sorry, but that's just my personality. I have trouble feeling like my decisions are set in stone unless it is about something very serious. I bought this book after Glennon from Momastery.
I loved this book! More important, until she stopped making Sam responsible for her anger and frustration, she would continue to engage in this power struggle with her son.
Difficult conversations go far better without the negative stories and judgments that affect how you conduct yourself. By the way, this process is equally valuable with spouses, bosses, and neighbors. He gets a lot done in a short time.
He has a prefrontal cortex that requires adrenaline to kick-start his energy when the things he has to do are boring. Does being under the influence of your negative beliefs help or hurt in getting your message across? Most likely it sabotages your goal of resolving a problem by transforming what could be useful discussion into a power struggle.
Thoughts as Drugs I think in images, and have created one that often helps my clients better understand the effects their beliefs have on their behavior and experience. Imagine not being under the influence of that belief—not having it take hold of you.
The first thing she realized was that she was turning it into something he was doing personally to her. She looked at the many ways her son did respect her and realized that his problems waking up had far more to do with his fatigue or lack of interest in school than it did with wanting to make trouble for his mother. Another belief Stella discovered that had been fueling her anger had to do with what she imagined other people thought about her when she pulled up late at school to drop Sam off, as the final bell was ringing.
Parenting Without Power Struggles
The two of them had shared some laughs earlier at the dinner table. I get that. Especially when I get so upset. The more I think about it, the more I picture how awful it might be to hear that alarm go off. I just hate getting up. Or, like, noon!
That would be the perfect fantasy school: He ended up telling her more about his struggles with math, and Stella began to brainstorm ways to help him get back on track with that subject. She was being the calm, confident Captain of the ship that her son needed, rather than a frantic mom who was desperate to change his behavior so she could feel okay.
From this place of genuine authority, Stella moved the conversation toward some solutions to their morning drama. Together they came up with some new ideas. Stella offered to wake him up with a protein smoothie that would give him a little boost and help him feel more alert and grounded. They agreed it would be better for her to wake him ten minutes earlier so Sam could linger in bed a little while.
As Stella practiced holding her position as Captain of the ship and keeping the turmoil out of their morning routine, she was amazed at how much more willing Sam was to try his best to wake up on time. There were and probably still are days when Sam was grouchy or moving slowly. But Stella learned to avoid making the problem worse by hovering over her son.
Let me know if I can help you get into the car on time for a ride. One day, after Sam had been getting himself up and out the door successfully for a few weeks, Stella took the boys to school as usual. The two of them shared a wonderful day together, munching on the picnic lunch Stella had packed, and reconnecting.
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Stella noticed that the mornings went even better after that, although she also came to understand that her son most likely was simply not a morning person and that he might continue to struggle with getting himself out the door on time.
But with his mom as the Captain of the ship, rather than a fellow passenger who needed him to behave a certain way so she could feel okay, their ship began sailing smoothly.
When parents convince themselves that their children make them upset or force them to resort to threats or bribes, the children are in charge. Passengers are not meant to be Captains; when they attempt to take over the leadership position, problems are inevitable. He owns his role, with or without their approval. As passengers, we want the sense of security that comes from knowing the Captain is confidently at the helm.
Children want us to be lovingly in charge. They need it. How can I tell the difference between a threat and a consequence?
The child is in charge. It sounds and feels clean, caring, and calm.
As much as I like what you say about being cool and in charge, if anyone—including my other offspring—deliberately injures one of my children, the mother lion in me wakes up and roars.
I was furious, and as far from calm as possible. What could I have done differently? This is one of those examples where the apparent problem—your son punching his younger brother—can distract you from recognizing the real problem. While there are inevitably times when raw immaturity causes a child to act on impulse, many of the upsetting things our children do are symptoms of a different issue.
I would start by encouraging you to comfort your injured son, saying little to the older boy while mothering the younger one as needed. Next, I would ask you to shift your focus from what to do after the fight happened, to the events leading up to that moment.
How did the morning go? Did your boys get enough sleep, or were they up late the night before? Did they have waffles and sugary syrup or a balanced, protein-rich breakfast? Do you feel you and your older son are close these days, or does he often show signs of being out of synch and disconnected from you? Does your son like to go to school and look forward to it, or does he dread it?
Is there a lot of competitiveness and jockeying for position, or do they generally get along well? Have you considered ways to create more of a natural bond between them rather than offering lectures about how they should love each other and get along? Since you are the Captain of the ship for your child, you have the opportunity to orchestrate his day to help create the greatest likelihood that he will be successful.
Instead of looking for Band-Aid solutions—like figuring out what to do when your older son hits his younger brother—I would encourage you to consider how to prevent this from happening.
I would suggest that you take a look at a number of things, many of which I elaborate on in later chapters: Make sure your kids are getting good food and plenty of sleep. Work to reconnect with your older son if your attachment with him seems fragile or weak. And take steps to fortify a real connection between your two sons. See Chapter 2. Gently approach your son when he expresses frustration about school, his younger brother, or whatever seems to chronically bug him.
He may need to offload a buildup of general frustration that leaks out when the slightest thing offends him.
[PDF] Parenting Without Power Struggles: Raising Joyful Resilient Kids While Staying Cool Calm
See Chapter 5. Teach him ways to describe his feelings and look at the ways his thoughts fuel his anger. See Chapter 6. You offer him his best shot at learning how to manage his own reactions when he sees you staying centered, even in the midst of the storm. Take an honest look at the opposite of whatever thoughts get you so triggered that you lose your temper. Full Synopsis Do you ever find yourself asking. How can you get your children to do their homework without meltdowns, threats or bribes?
How can you have a drama-free morning where the kids actually get out the door in time for school? How can you better manage your kids' screen time without making them want to hide what they're doing from you? Family therapist Susan Stiffelman is here to help. While most parenting programs are designed to coerce kids to change, Parenting Without Power Struggles does something innovative, showing you how to help your children awaken their natural instincts to cooperate, rather than employing threats or bribes, which inevitably fuels their resistance.I am so grateful to Susan for having written this powerful book.
I take it personally, seeing his behavior as a sign of disrespect toward his teacher and toward me.
He was stooped, sullen, and almost unrecognizable. See and discover other items: Do you worry about receiving a call from a disagreeable office lady announcing that your son will be staying after school because he has too many tardies? Difficult conversations go far better without the negative stories and judgments that affect how you conduct yourself. Alexa Actionable Analytics for the Web. The more I think about it, the more I picture how awful it might be to hear that alarm go off.